18th September 2011

Free  # 8 – The Problem of Grief and Loneliness

When we encounter major losses in our lives, we experience an unbearable pain that can have long lasting and debilitating effects. And it’s in such an event and experience that Satan sees an opportunity to try to bring us into permanent bondage.

The death of a loved one, divorce or the severing of a close relationship can cause grief, and most people go through a grieving process. Grief is also the right word to describe what some may experience with other areas of major loss – a secure and fulfilling job, a business failure, the loss of a limb, the heart-breaking failure of a close relationship, and so on … the process will be similar.

With regards to divorce. It may or may not be a lost spouse who is being mourned; but it almost always is the lost institution of marriage that is being grieved for.

It’s important to understand the difference between a normal, balanced grieving and a spirit of grief that will try to attach itself to us in our sustained pain. One helps us get better with the passing of time; the other causes us to get worse and sink deeper and deeper into despair.

The grieving process is a succession of events that may occur in a person's life when something or someone that means a lot to them is suddenly no longer there. It is not predictable sequence, obviously not everyone experiences the same thing to the same degree, or in the same sequence - but we do have emotions that can be wounded and bruised, and hearts that can be broken.

I want to talk to you about this very common aspect of life as a human; but mostly I want to talk to you about Jesus, the healer of broken hearts, our deliverer, lover and friend.

Genesis 23: 1 – 4, 19  records the death of Sarah, the wife of Abraham, when she was 127 years old. Abraham married Sarah when they were both very young. They had experienced many decades of life, with many ups and downs, together. Not only were they two remarkable individuals, they were also “one” as God describes a husband and wife. The time had now come when Abraham’s faithful wife, his life-time companion, the mother of his son, died in the land of Canaan. There are three things that stand out in this account of a husband facing the death of his wife.

1.  He mourned and wept.

Genesis 23:2 says "He came to mourn for Sarah and to weep for her." Death is a time of strong emotions, sometimes accompanied by shock, numbness, or depression. Mourning is the experience of sorrow with a deep sense of loss, being bereft, and, sometimes a realisation of being alone or abandoned.   Weeping is the common, but not only, expression of mourning. Both mourning and weeping are a part of the natural process God uses to heal our hearts.

Ecclesiastes tells us “There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:4.) Jesus wept when Lazarus died, even though he was fully aware that he would see him again. Because the highest created purpose for mankind is relationship, when relationships are severed by death, divorce or some other thing, our whole being recoils in revulsion to it.

It is not uncommon for shock, denial, anger, depression, sobbing, disconnection and bewilderment to accompany a person who is mourning. None of these are wrong. My own experience was to feel somehow that my grief was not just my own emotional, mental and spiritual reaction to my loss; but it was also an expression of the deep place the one I had lost (my 16 year old son, Regan) had held in my heart – his high value to me was being told in my mourning.

For a season, my grief owned me; but eventually, I owned my grief. What do I mean? In the initial season of my grief I would involuntarily weep, or experience other modes of mourning – they would visit me and I could do little about it – my grief owned me. Today, weeping and mourning do not visit me, but I can still visit them – I own my grief.

When a person is unable to make this transition we need to consider that a spirit of grief has attached itself – the demon’s purpose being to keep the person bound by their sorrow and sense of loss so that they cannot function normally emotionally or relationally in life. If denial or fantasy are strong, a lying spirit may seek to bind that condition to a grieving person.

In extreme cases, a person can so long to see or hear from the dead person again that they cross a line from deeply missing a loved one to searching for them. This is where familiar spirits can weave their deception and demonization. A familiar spirit is one that familiarises itself with the deceased person and then masquerades as that person. Mediums work with familiar spirits, bring a strong deception and act to lock a person into their grief and open them up to attack from other parts of the kingdom of darkness.

Remember, there is a normal and entirely healthy mourning and grieving … Abraham came to mourn for Sarah and to weep for her.

2. He arose.

We have no idea the length of time between verse 2 and 3; neither should we assume that Abraham’s mourning and weeping ended with verse 2. However, in verse 3 we see an important    step symbolised by the words “He stood up” or “He arose."

If, by the death of Sarah, Abraham was brought “low” in terms of his emotions, his heart, his countenance, his outlook and so on – when he arose, when he stood up, he was getting back on his feet, his equilibrium returned – his balance, his stability, his ability to think clearly and act decisively and relationally.

One of the normal facets of grief for many people is a resistance toward leaving the grief and resuming normal life. Loss is devastating. We may feel that other people do not understand the loss. Everybody forgets our loved one so quickly. We may believe we are being unfaithful to the deceased loved one when we go on with our life. "I can't betray the memory of the deceased by simply allowing things to get back to normal.” No one can tell you how long you need to grieve, but There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

It is similar when we suffer loss in some other area of life, other than the death of a spouse. We can feel very lonely in our grief because no one else feels it like we do, and few, if any, people understand how it’s impacted us - because “no one died!”. So there may not be anyone helping us to arise.

Unless we are very resolute about arising, we can give way to a life of loneliness, and a spirit of loneliness can attach itself to us. We can have a life with lots of people around us, but inside there’s a belief that

1. -no one really understands;
   

2. -no one else has probably felt like this, or else they would understand;
   

3. -and if they did truly understand they would be helping me more.
   

A belief system of unwantedness, being on the outer, and being one of life’s victim just cultivates itself, and evil spirits are quick to bind that to a persons soul. When we become disconnected relationally to friends and community we loose a high purpose for which God created us. Thoughts of suicide can develop out of that; or attention getting behaviours (sometimes bizarre, sometimes harmful) can ensue – both of which multiply our dysfunction.

Let me add a note concerning injustice because often in situations of loss we feel, often rightly so, that some injustice has taken place.

1. •If wise and knowledgeable counsel advises you to seek justice where it can be sought, then go ahead.
   

2. •But beware of deepening a victim alienation or a crusading spirit – the enemy will seek much gain from that.
   

3. •We must know that Jesus took all our injustices – He is our justice – and here is what Isaiah spoke of Him …
   

4. •A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice; he will not fail nor be discouraged. (Isaiah 42:3)
   

5. •Lay aside your arguments, come to Jesus, and let Him be your justice, let Him be your closure.
   

Then Abraham stood up from before his dead, and spoke … In good time, we must arise.

3. He buried Sarah his wife.

In Genesis 23:19 we read that Abraham buried his wife and continued on his earthly journey. Funeral services are important. Ceremony is important. And even the way we commit the body of our loved one to the dust of the earth is important. These have nothing to do with the deceased person’s status in the resurrection (as some have asked me), but have everything to do with a message our soul must clearly hear – as far as the rest of my life here is concerned, this relationship has ended, this happy bond of joining in flesh and in spirit has closed – I possess the most wonderful memories that touch my emotions and delight my mind, I have a certain hope of the resurrection of the dead  - but I have buried Sarah, Abraham and Sarah has finished, today I am just Abraham.

Having been deeply impressed by a number of tangis I participated in, and seeing the profound simplicity and power in the process of burial the Maori employ – I made sure I climbed onto the pile of earth, shovel in hand, and helped bury my son.

There are good substitute ceremonies for those lost at sea, or perishing by fire, or other situations where their bodies are irrecoverable – but Abraham buried Sarah his wife.

You may recall when I taught about The Importance of Affection that I spoke about the union that occurs when two people are joined in sexual union. On that occasion I was addressing the issues of aberrant affections.

1. In ministry and deliverance we pronounce that in Jesus’ name the spirits of persons involved in immorality are separated – no longer in union. (John Sandford) “I usually say, ‘In the name of Jesus, I direct your spirit to forget that union (or unions). You are loosed from that one (or those people). I set your spirit free to cleave only to your own husband (or wife), I loose you in Jesus’ name.’”
   

In the case of the parting of a person’s lawful husband or wife, proper burial or appropriate ceremony will have the same releasing and cleansing effect. In the case of the dissolution of a marriage, it’s important to be aware of this issue and seek ministry if needs be.

Abraham buried Sarah his wife.

When something bad happens to you or your loved ones, if you believe that God will explain it to you and apologise, you need to reread the Book of Job. Job lost everything: his wealth, his children, his friends, and his health. What devastated him most of all was that God was silent to his questions. But God held onto Job, and Job held onto God.

In the year 2000 when I read in Psalm 116 The Lord’s loved ones are precious to Him, and it grieves Him when they die – I didn’t have any explanation from God about Regan’s death, but what I did have was 1000 x more healing and restoring,

1. •I had His compassion,
   

2. •I had His tears mingling with mine,
   

3. •I had a Heavenly Father - not a million miles away - but one who had come near, feeling what I felt and walking with me through it all.
   

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5).

In Isaiah’s great chapter of the cross (53:4) we read of Jesus, Surely He has borne our griefs (sicknesses, weaknesses, and distresses) and carried our sorrows and pains, yet we considered Him stricken, smitten, and afflicted by God.

God has had more than just sympathy for the bereft, the grieving and the lonely – Jesus physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually became our sadness, our loneliness on our behalf.

This was more than identification, this was substitution!

Does this mean that we don’t have to grieve anymore? Let me answer that with both a “yes” and a “no.”

Yes – we will grieve when a relationship of significance and promise is severed from our lives. This is because we have been created for eternal and temporal relationship, koinonia and union. God grieves. It is testament, not only to our true humanness, but also to our God-like-ness.

But when grief owns us, rather than we owning our grief – a line is crossed, we have lost something of our true humanness and God-like-ness. And it’s that  grief with it’s associated loneliness that Jesus carried on himself to the cross for us.

In exchange, Jesus says, I give you my wholeness, I give you my joy, I give you my dancing, I give you the whole family of heaven and earth, I give you my koinonia and my intimacy.

I mend your broken heart. I restore your love of life. I announce your inclusion. I remove the shackles of your loneliness. I welcome you into my company.